Chawkservation Archives

Welcome to my quotations collection. I've always enjoyed quotes, and I've compiled my library right here on Chawkpage. Some quotes are funny. Some aren't. Some are very insightful. Some aren't. I mixed them all up, so you can't be entertained without learning something, or vice versa. I don't neccessarily stand by everything said, but most quotes are by smart people. Well, important people. And you become important by either being smart or not.
Chandler Walker

The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't.
Douglas Adams

Ah, this is obviously some strange usage of the word 'safe' that I wasn't previously aware of.
Douglas Adams, Arthur Dent in "The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy"

In those days spirits were brave, the stakes were high, men were real men, women were real women and small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri were real small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri.
Douglas Adams

In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.
Douglas Adams

You live and learn. At any rate, you live.
Douglas Adams

I am at two with nature.
Woody Allen

Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.
Dave Barry

Prove all things; hold fast that which is good.
Bible, New Testament, I Thessalonians

The best way to keep one's word is not to give it.
Napoleon Bonaparte

If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets.
Mel Brooks

You know what charm is: a way of getting the answer yes without having asked any clear question.
Albert Camus, La Chute (The Fall),1956

Sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast.
Lewis Carroll

If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.
Johnny Carson

One is left with the horrible feeling now that war settles nothing; that to win a war is as disastrous as to lose one.
Agatha Christie, Autobiography (1977)

I am prepared to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
Sir Winston Churchill

I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.
Sir Winston Churchill

There is nothing so absurd but some philosopher has said it.
Marcus Tullius Cicero

Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
Arthur C. Clarke, "Technology and the Future"

When we see men of a contrary character, we should turn inwards and examine ourselves.

By nature, men are nearly alike; by practice, they get to be wide apart.
Confucius, The Confucian Analects

Prosperity is only an instrument to be used, not a deity to be worshipped.
Calvin Coolidge, speech, June 11, 1928

I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.
Bill Cosby

You do ill if you praise, but worse if you censure, what you do not understand.
Leonardo da Vinci

A little nonsense now and then, is cherished by the wisest men.
Roald Dahl (Willy Wonka) Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

Life is just a bowl of pits.
Rodney Dangerfield

In science the credit goes to the man who convinces the world, not the man to whom the idea first occurs.
Sir Francis Darwin, Eugenics Review, April 1914

How can you govern a country which has 246 varieties of cheese?
Charles De Gaulle

If you would be a real seeker after truth, it is necessary that at least once in your life you doubt, as far as possible, all things.
Rene Descartes

Reflect on your present blessings, of which every man has many; not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some.
Charles Dickens

They say that God is everywhere, and yet we always think of Him as somewhat of a recluse.
Emily Dickinson

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I've ever known.
Walt Disney

Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for truth.
Benjamin Disraeli

There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics.
Benjamin Disraeli

A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don't have a J.O.B.
"Fats" Domino

How often have I said to you that when you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth?
Sir Arthur Conan Doyle (Sherlock Holmes) The Sign of Four, 1890

All generalizations are dangerous, even this one.
Alexandre Dumas

There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I'll get married again.
Clint Eastwood

Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.
Thomas A. Edison

Last week, I went to Philidelphia, but it was closed.
W. C. Fields

There is never enough time, unless you're serving it.
Malcolm Forbes

Nothing shocks me. I'm a scientist.
Harrison Ford, as Indiana Jones

I am looking for a lot of men who have an infinite capacity to not know what can't be done.
Henry Ford

It's easier to put on slippers than to carpet the whole world.
Al Franken, 'Stuart Saves His Family'

He that falls in love with himself will have no rivals.
Benjamin Franklin

America is a mistake, a giant mistake.
Sigmund Freud

A liberal is a man too broadminded to take his own side in a quarrel.
Robert Frost (1874 - 1963)

I have never met a man so ignorant that I couldn't learn something from him.
Galileo Galilei (1564 - 1642)

Don't you wish there were a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence? There's one marked 'Brightness,' but it doesn't work.

I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers.
Mahatma Gandhi

Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it is very important that you do it.
Mahatma Gandhi

People judge you not by the size of your feet, but by whether your socks match.
Space Ghost, Space Ghost - Musical Bar-b-cue

We need a president who's fluent in at least one language.
Buck Henry

It is better to hide ignorance, but it is hard to do this when we relax over wine.
Heraclitus, On the Universe

It is better to be envied than pitied.
Herodotus, The Histories of Herodotus

The odds against there being a bomb on a plane are a million to one, and against two bombs a million times a million to one. Next time you fly, cut the odds and take a bomb.
Benny Hill

Seeing a murder on television... can help work off one's antagonisms. And if you haven't any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.
Alfred Hitchcock

What luck for rulers that men do not think.
Adolf Hitler

A councilor ought not to sleep the whole night through, a man to whom the populace is entrusted, and who has many responsibilities.
Homer, The Iliad

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
Bob Hope

I just need enough to tide me over until I need more.
Bill Hoest

It is when I struggle to be brief that I become obscure.
Horace, Epistles

I don't mind what Congress does, as long as they don't do it in the streets and frighten the horses.
Victor Hugo

There is always more misery among the lower classes than there is humanity in the higher.
Victor Hugo, 'Les Miserables,' 1862

I do not take a single newspaper, nor read one a month, and I feel myself infinitely the happier for it.
Thomas Jefferson

You do not need to leave your room. Remain sitting at your table and listen. Do not even listen, simply wait, be quiet still and solitary. The world will freely offer itself to you to be unmasked, it has no choice, it will roll in ecstasy at your feet.
Franz Kafka

So act that your principle of action might safely be made a law for the whole world.
Immanuel Kant

Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.
Nikita Khrushchev

Television has proved that people will look at anything rather than each other.
Ann Landers

He who knows others is wise;
He who know himself is enlightened.
Lao-tzu, The Way of Lao-tzu

A lie told often enough becomes the truth.

While the State exists, there can be no freedom. When there is freedom there will be no State.
Lenin, "State and Revolution", 1919

The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.
Jay Leno

There's no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting.
David Letterman

USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population.
David Letterman

Mortal lovers must not try to remain at the first step; for lasting passion is the dream of a harlot and from it we wake in despair.
C. S. Lewis, 'The Pilgrim's Regress'

Oh, I don't blame Congress. If I had $600 billion at my disposal, I'd be irresponsible, too.
Lichty & Wagner

'Tis better to be silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
Abraham Lincoln

Since love and fear can hardly exist together, if we must choose between them, it is far safer to be feared than loved.
Niccolo Machiavelli, The Prince

If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt.
Dean Martin

I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.
Steve Martin

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
Groucho Marx

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
Groucho Marx

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
Groucho Marx

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.
Groucho Marx

Women should be obscene and not heard.
Groucho Marx

Reason has always existed, but not always in a reasonable form.
Karl Marx

I think that I shall never see
a billboard lovely as a tree.
Perhaps, unless the billboards fall,
I'll never see a tree at all.
Ogden Nash

Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"

Crime does not pay ... as well as politics.
Alfred E. Newman

If I have seen farther than others, it is because I was standing on the shoulders of giants.
Isaac Newton

'Who are you and how did you get in here?' 'I'm a locksmith. And, I'm a locksmith.'
Leslie Nielsen, as Lieutenant Frank Drebin, "Police Squad"

Insanity in individuals is something rare - but in groups, parties, nations and epochs, it is the rule.
Friedrich Nietzsche

Only sick music makes money today.
Friedrich Nietzsche

The advantage of a bad memory is that one enjoyes several times the same good things for the first time.
Friedrich Nietzsche

Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he doesn't become a monster.
Friedrich Nietzsche

The quickest way to end a war is to lose it.
George Orwell

Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something.

Those who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who dream only by night.
Edgar Allan Poe

I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.
Elvis Presley

Cover your mouth when you yawn, or the devil will urinate in it.
African Proverb

Do not employ handsome servants.
Chinese Proverb

Wait until it is night before saying that is has been a fine day.
French Proverb

A country can be judged by the quality of its proverbs.
German Proverb

You've got to do your own growing, no matter how tall your grandfather was.
Irish Proverb

Don't stay long when the husband is not at home.
Japanese Proverb

If you believe everything you read, better not read.
Japanese Proverb

Never rely on the glory of the morning nor the smiles of your mother-in-law.
Japanese Proverb

If God lived on earth, people would break his windows.
Jewish Proverb(you knew I'd put one of those in)

Never give a child a sword.
Latin Proverb

Use your enemy's hand to catch a snake.
Persian Proverb

Speak the truth, but leave immediately after.
Slovenian Proverb

Take hold lightly; let go lightly. This is one of the great secrets of felicity in love.
Spanish Proverb

Don't let your sorrow come higher than your knees.
Swedish Proverb

Complain to one who can help you.
Yugoslav Proverb

Reason is immortal, all else mortal.
Pythagoras, from Diogenes Laertius, Lives of Eminent Philosophers

A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.
Dan Quayle

I have made good judgements in the Past. I have made good judgements in the Future.
Dan Quayle

The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that Dan Quayle may or may not make.
Dan Quayle (alright, that's enough)

It is not advisable, James, to venture unsolicited opinions. You should spare yourself the embarrassing discovery of their exact value to your listener.
Ayn Rand, Atlas Shrugged, 1957

An intellectual snob is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture and not think of The Lone Ranger.
Dan Rather

Everything is so hard, and then it gets easier.
Retarded Kid

Abortion is advocated only by persons who have themselves been born.
Ronald Reagan

I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
Ronald Reagan

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
Ronald Reagan

My fellow Americans, I am pleased to tell you I just signed legislation which outlaws Russia forever. The bombing begins in five minutes.
Ronald Reagan, Said during a radio microphone test, 1984

The difference between man and animals is that we don't use our tongue to clean our genitals.
Rimmer (from Red Dwarf)

Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
Will Rogers

It is fun being in the same decade with you.
Franklin D. Roosevelt, in a letter to Winston Churchill

When they call the roll in the Senate, the Senators do not know whether to answer 'Present' or 'Not Guilty.'
Theodore Roosevelt

When you play, play hard; when you work, don't play at all.
Theodore Roosevelt

Every nation ridicules other nations, and all are right.
Arthur Schopenhauer

I know the answer! The answer lies within the heart of all mankind! The answer is twelve? I think I'm in the wrong building.
Charles M. Schulz

There's a difference between a philosophy and a bumper sticker.
Charles M. Schulz

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
Jerry Seinfeld

Know thyself.
The Seven Sages, Inscription at the Delphic Oracle, from Plutarch, Morals

I dote on his very absence.
William Shakespeare

A little more than kin, and less than kind.
William Shakespeare, "Hamlet", Act 1 scene 2

Hamlet: Do you see yonder cloud that's almost in shape of a camel?
Polonius: By the mass, and 'tis like a camel, indeed.
Hamlet: Methinks it is like a weasel.
Polonius: It is backed like a weasel.
Hamlet: Or like a whale?
Polonius: Very like a whale.
William Shakespeare, "Hamlet", Act 3 scene 2

Hereafter, in a better world than this,
I shall desire more love and knowledge of you.
William Shakespeare, "As You Like It", Act 1 scene 2

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: That word is love.

A single death is a tragedy; a million deaths is a statistic.
Joseph Stalin

I've wrestled with reality for 35 years, and I'm happy, Doctor, I finally won out over it.
Jimmy Stewart, "Harvey", 1950

Live well. It is the greatest revenge.
The Talmud

To wear your heart on your sleeve isn't a very good plan; you should wear it inside, where it functions best.
Margaret Thatcher, interview with Barbara Walters on ABC-TV, March 18, 1987

In the name of God, stop a moment, cease your work, look around you.
Leo Tolstoy

I never did give anybody hell. I just told the truth, and they thought it was hell.
Harry S Truman

If I only had a little humility, I'd be perfect.
Ted Turner

A lie can travel halfway around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes.
Mark Twain

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
Mark Twain

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
Mark Twain

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
Mark Twain

Familiarity breeds contempt--and children.
Mark Twain

I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying that I approved of it.
Mark Twain

It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.
Mark Twain

Whatever it is, I fear Greeks even when they bring gifts.
Virgil, Aeneid

Anything too stupid to be said is sung.

God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

An Ion. Just a thing. You are.
Mrs. Warren in response to the question "What's a species?"

Talking with you is sort of the conversational equivalent of an out of body experience.
Bill Watterson, Calvin & Hobbes

People who get nostalgic about childhood were obviously never children.
Bill Watterson, Calvin and Hobbes

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.
Bill Watterson, Calvin and Hobbes

Got a contribution? Or maybe you're one of my quoted people and you want it corrected? Or you're a famous guy who can't think of anything to say and you need quote guidance?

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