Chawkservation Archives

Here's where I'll respond to letters that you may or may not have written to me.

Dear Chawk,
I'm in over my head! I signed up for a job that I really don't know how to do. It started out as just a joke, but I got caught up in it, and now everyone expects me to do it. I feel so pressurated, and I don't know who to tell. If you have any suggestments, theyed be appreciatized.
-Clueless in D.C.

Dear Clueless,
I've found myself in that position many times before. I've noticed that in those times it's very useful to have a scandel. After that, nobody cares about incompetence. One of the best scandels is of course to shoot yourself in the head. Tell me how it turns out.

Dear Chawk,
Everybody thinks I'm dead, but I'm not. Nobody listened to me at my funeral. I'm writing this from six feet under. I'm a little scared now, because it's been seventeen years, and the possibility that some one will realize that they've buried me prematurely is fading fast. What should I do?
-Alive in a coffin
P.S.: I love your site!

Dear Alive.
It sounds to me like the problem isn't with your family, your physician, or your undertaker. I think you ought to take a long hard look inside. Seventeen years? It sounds to me like somebodies in denile. I know of support groups that can help you, such as Being Alive Anonymous (BAA). But the first step is acceptance. We can't help you if you can't admit that you're not alive, Alive.

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